Teen Issues

[Tammy McGehee]

My daughter just turned 13 and she has always been just a joy to be around. She has recently made some bad decisions and by bad decisions I mean she has decided to lie about being raped. I am at a loss as to why she would decide to lie about such a violent act. My husband and I have sat her down and spoke with her about the consequences of her actions. Her actions has made me really stop and think about what kind of mother I have been. Is there anyone out there that has any advice for me to help my daughter through this difficult time?

[James Jackson]

My first thought is for her safety. A thousand counseling questions come up when I read this: Has this been reported? Is she still in any danger? Was it someone she continues to have contact with? I don't deny that there are questions you have to consider about why she concealed it from you, but first and foremost are the questions about her safety. Beyond that, I don't have any earth-shaking advice.

[Tammy McGehee]

We have gone over each one of those questions that you brought up and she isn't in any danger. It just seems like she wasn't thinking when she decided to tell such an awful lie. I just can't figure out why she would do this, she is an only child and gets all of our attention all the time so I don't know what to do?

[James Jackson]

Sorry I misunderstood the situation. I thought she was, and lied that she wasn't. It sounds like she wasn't, and lied that she was.

[Ashley Linne]

Tammy, was she actually raped but denied it? Or did she fabricate a story about being raped?

[Tammy McGehee]

She actually fabricated a story about being raped. I am completely devasted as a parent that my child would feel the need to tell a story like this. I am just searching for answers right now.

[Ashley Linne]

I can imagine... your family is in my prayers on this. Have you visited a counselor with her? Several questions are raised in my mind, such as was she actually raped and the person who did it has threatened her so she is saying she made it up? Or does she have a friend who has told a similar story to reap some sort of 'benefit' (such as falsely accusing a teacher who gave a bad grade)?

I am not a parent yet so I am probably not the one to speak too much on this point, but from everything I have read about teenagers and the hormonal and brain changes that begin to take place right around your daughter's age, it can really seem like your teen has literally changed overnight into a monster you don't know. There are certain portions of their brains that haven't developed fully yet, such as the part that helps us predict what might happen as a result of a certain action or choice. It's not an excuse for your daughter's lying, but it could be a contributing factor. All that to say, this probably wasn't a reflection of your parenting, but instead could be contributed to by the somewhat traumatic changes happening in her brain.

[Ashley Linne]

Here are some thoughts from a friend of mine who is a counselor:

There are a million reasons why she might have fabricated a story about being raped. She might have done something sexual (or mildly sexual) with a boy, and she might feel ashamed of that. She might be angry at the boy (for whatever reason), and she's lashing out in whatever way she can. She might want attention or help in other areas... and she might not know how to get it via truthful means. Even if you're giving her all the attention imaginable, sometimes it's hard for children to tell their parents uncomfortable truths (Like: "I'm lonely. I'm worried no boy will ever love me. I let someone touch me and now I feel like a whore. etc.). The important thing to keep in mind is that we all do things for a reason - she's trying to meet some need through this lie... maybe it's an attempt to avert her own sexual shame or maybe it's a way to receive attention/concern to soothe some wound that she doesn't feel comfortable stating directly. Either way, she's an adolescent girl that is struggling with something. It's natural to be disappointed and concerned about the fact that she lied - try to think of it as a cry for help rather than a deviant, evil action... because that's what it is. I actually think that whether the story was true or not... the best thing to do is still what Ashley mentioned - give her your unconditional love. Tell her that you support her no matter what and that you're there to talk when she's ready to. If she won't talk truthfully, counseling is still a great option.