Welcome to Toddlerhood

[Leslie Holmes]

So my sweet Jamin just started walking and will be 1 year old in a week. He is of course, excited about his new skills and did not want to stay in his high chair at a restaurant recently. I let him walk or crawl around but I stopped him as he approached stairs and a fire extinguisher. AND IT STARTED: THE FIRST TANTRUM. I calmly put my mouth near his ear and said in a low, serious voice, "we are not going to do this". It prevented the fit from escalating but did not prevent having to repeat this ritual several times. Do any of you more seasoned parents have any tips on this sort of thing?

[Michael Stover]

Well, as a parent of 5, and currently having two toddlers to deal with, we have encountered this problem. I think as we practice discipline at home, we have found we had fewer situations to deal with in public. We do not allow tantrums at home, and deal with them similar to your response above. Continued persistence merits punishment, swift and firm. This then becomes the standard, and it becomes clear to the child that it will be enforced, because we have enforced it in the past, every single time. So when in public, a simple statement such as yours above is all that is needed. Every once in a while a public scene will erupt and a statement of intent will not suffice. Children learn swiftly what we will and will not do in a public forum. It is important that the rules be enforced consistently. While we may not choose discipline in a public forum, other alternatives exist. Removing the child silently to a private forum for discipline is always best. If no private venue exists, discipline should be swift and appropriate upon returning home. When the rules are consistently enforced, I think you will find greater ease in dealing with tantrums. We certainly have.

[Susan J. Hetrick]

I read your post and had to smile, as I looked back to the time when my own kids went through their screaming tantrum phases. My daughter, who is now 16, screamed for a year and a half – from the time she was 18 months old, til she was 3! With her, nothing worked: I tried spanking (only on the tush), I tried ignoring her, I tried locking her in the laundry room, I even tried tossing some water in her face (my mother’s suggestion) which only seemed to aggravate the situation. In the end, I found that holding her and letting her cry and calm down was the only thing that really had any effect. It was exhausting!!

In general, when a toddler is throwing a tantrum it is due to frustration. They don’t have the vocabulary to express what they want, and they don’t yet know how to deal with disappointment. So they scream or yell in frustration and anger. It’s annoying, and can be embarrassing when you’re in public. However, most people (at least those who have had kids) understand what you’re dealing with.

My daughter began throwing fits in earnest after my son (now 15) was born – brought on by jealousy, and frustration at the changes in our home. My stepson (now 10) did the screaming tantrum thing until he was almost 5. I think it was set off by his parents’ divorce, then his Dad’s marriage and their move from Michigan to Arizona. He didn’t respond to being spanked, and he lashed out if we tried to hold him (kicking and screaming even louder) but sometimes he’d calm down if his dad put him in the shower. (I think it was the shock of suddenly being all wet). Eventually he would calm down and fall asleep if we’d leave him in his bedroom by himself (AFTER he stripped the sheets, blankets and pillows off of his bed and thrown his toys around the room – THAT was fun, believe me!)

I know some “parenting experts” tell parents to try talking with the child and saying “You must be very frustrated, please use your words to tell me what you need, blah, blah, blah” but honestly, I don’t think you can reason with a screaming toddler. They are too upset to hear a word you’re saying, and it’s impossible to be heard over the screaming anyway.

Try to remember that they all eventually grow out of it! We don’t see 25-year-old people screaming and throwing tantrums on the street, right? Hang in there – this too shall pass.

[Nic Allen]

Wow. Great discussion that I can certainly benefit from. I met a family during my first years as a student pastor. Their kids were exceptional and the parents sort of adopted me and my wife. We were practically newlyweds and since we spent most of our time pouring into students, we rarely had time to be poured into. They took on this role and became great mentors. They have a saying that fits so well in every area of life: marriage, finance, child raising, discipleship, etc. It goes with really anything in life you can think of. "You start out as you intend to go." We have a 2 1/2 year old at home who is just testing the tantrum waters. Right now, it's just crying. She just can't seem to handle the word no. She doesn't do anything with the crying (yet), but boy, it's loud and uncontrolled. I never knew someone so small could cry so loudly over something as simple as not getting a piece of candy in the checkout line. We don't have any great tips for how to handle those moments when they come. In fact, I'm looking for the sure-fire methods myself. The thing my wife and I have agreed on and committed ourselves to is "starting out as we intend to go" by not giving into the tantrum, ever. As a student pastor, I encounter so many students who are on the road to being completely out of control. I fear the reason the parents have no control over their teens is because they relinquished that control when they were toddlers! It's serious business this parenting thing. It's scary for me to think that the discipline choices I make today will have a deep and lasting affect on how I am able to discipline tomorrow. The temptation when tantrums start is to give in. When nothing works, giving in at least stops the tantrum, right? It might stop the tantrum but it won't solve the problem. I know high school students who still throw fits. They don't lay on the floor screaming. But they lash out in anger, leave home, hurt themselves and others, use offensive language, drink, and abuse drugs. These are kids who didn't learn how to deal with being told no as children. Their parents' inconsistent ways of handling situations didn't give the kids a sense of stability, much less self-discipline. Be encouraged as you discipline. Consistency now paves the way for opportunity tomorrow. If our kids' fits get them what they want at age 3, they'll expect the same at age 13. My only advice (which I pray we stick too even under pressure) is to stay strong, not give in, and reap the blessings of consistency in the years to come.